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The head nun told 2 nuns too repaint the nun living quarters but they would be in deep trouble if they got any paint on their robes.
so nun 1 thought "hey why don't we take all our clothes off and paint and we won't get in trouble because our robes won't be soiled"
nun 2 said "great" so they started painting and nun 2 made sure the door was locked so no one came in.
then there was a knock on the door.
nun 2 said "who is it??"
someone answered "blind man"
nun 1 said " it's a blind man let him in he won't see us"
so nun 2 unlocked the door and the man goes, "oh you've got really nice boobs, anyway i'm here to fix the blinds"!!!!
Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!" Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him."
The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing
Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!"
The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?" Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes."
The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, "Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?" The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska."
The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!" The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"
To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes."
Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!" The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"
To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah..... are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?" The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska."
At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"
A minister was feeling bored one Sunday and decided to take the
day off from church. He told the assistant minister he wasn't feeling well
and drove off. He stopped at a golf course about forty miles away (so that
no one would know him.)
Up in Heaven, the angels were talking. One said to
Jesus, "Are you going to let him get away with that?" Jesus said, "No, I
won't." The minister teed off on the first hole and suddenly, the wind
picked up, blowing the ball right in the hole for a 420 yard hole-in-one.
The angel looked at Jesus and said, "Why did you do that?" Jesus smiled and
replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
submitted by Big Louie Style
The fence between Heaven and Hell fell. The Lord ask the Devil to
pay half the cost of repair.The Devil refused, the Lord said He would sue.
The Devil said " Oh yeah, and where will you find a lawyer?
submitted by C.W. Pittman
A man goes to hell and the devil greets him. He takes him to a hallway which has three different doors and tell the man he'll have to choose one room to spend the rest of eternity in.
So he takes him to the first door and he opens it and sees everyone standing on their heads on wooden floors. The man thought that would be pretty terrible to spend the rest of eternity on his head on such a hard floor and asked the devil to show him the second door.
Everyone in the second room was standing on their heads on concrete. The man thought that
was even worse to spend the rest of eternity on his head on an even harder
floor.
Finally the devil takes him to the third door and in that room everyone is up to their knees in dog shit and drinking coffee. The man thought that was pretty bad, but at least they could drink coffee so he told the devil he chose the third room to spend the rest of eternity in. So the man, up to his knees in dog shit, drank coffee for a few minutes. Then the devil came back into the room and said "Coffee break is over. Back on your heads."
Where Do Pets Come From
God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire
A 15 year old boy went into the pharmacy to purchase some condoms. He began looking at the packages, but wasn't sure what size to get so he asked the pharmacist. The pharmicist got him the right size.
Later that night before dinner at his girlfriend's house her dad said a rather lengthy prayer. When he was done the kid kept staring down at his plate. After dinner when the couple was leaving, his girlfriend said, " Gee, I didn't know you were so religious!"
The boy said, "And I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"
Frank Purdue arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he whispers, "Your Eminence, do we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....'to 'give us this day our daily chicken....' we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church".
The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed".
"Well then," says Frank Purdue, "we are prepared to donate $1 billion the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...."
Again the Pope replies "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed".
Finally, Frank Perdue says to the Pope,"Sir, this is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....'" and he leaves.
The next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals. "I have good news, and I have bad news," he tells them.
"The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion ... The bad news is that we're losing The Wonderbread Account"
The Pope, having been invited to address the United Nations, arrives in New York and
is wisked away in a private limo. Unfortunately, security delays have made the Pope late for
his speech and he instructs his driver to make up the delay by driving as fast as he can. Even
with the driver's best efforts, the Pope knows they are still going to arrive late and insists
that the driver make even better time. The driver fears for the Pope's safety and hesitates to
drive any faster. Now totally frustrated, the Pope tells the driver to get in the back and let
him drive.
The Pontiff takes the limo beyond known limits, making incredible turns and wildly
dodges in and out of traffic in an effort to reach the United Nations in time. Six blocks from
their destination a New York police officer catches up with the limo and pulls them over. Upon
approaching the driver's side window and recognizing the Pope immediately, the police officer
informs the Pope he was speeding and driving recklessly. The Pope explains "We are in a very
big hurry to address an international audience on the most urgent of worldly matters".
The officer begs the Pope's pardon and returns to his squad car to make a call to headquarters.
"Get me the chief right away!" the officer demands.
"This is the chief, what's the problem?"
"Chief, this is Roberts. I've pulled over a big shot, and I'm
not so sure what to do"
"Who is it, the Mayor?" asks the chief.
"Bigger than that" says the officer.
"Don't tell me you pulled over the Governor!" asks the chief.
"Bigger than the Governor" says the officer.
"Bigger than the Governor! A Senator? A Congressman?"
"Bigger" say the officer.
"Who the hell did you pull over, the President of the United States?!" the chief asks, alarmed.
"Chief, I'm not sure who he is, but his driver is the Pope!"
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are
totally demolished, but amazingly, neither are hurt. They crawl out of their cars and the rabbi
sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars.
There's nothing left but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that
we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." And the priest
said, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."
And the rabbi said, "and
look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of
Mogen David wine didn't break, surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune. And so he handed the bottle to the priest. The priest said he agreed, took a few big
swigs, and handed the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi took the bottle, didn't drink at all,
put the cap on, and handed it back to the priest. The priest asked, "aren't you going to have any?" And the rabbi replied, "No . . . I think I'll just wait for the police."
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent
word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went
up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several
applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day,
when an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply
for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.
"You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells
with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop
listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable
replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the
armless
man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in
the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.
When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen
figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As
they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop,
who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a
bell."
Two nuns were driving along one day, when
the devil suddenly appeared on the bonnet /
hood of the car.
Nun 1 : Oh Heavens ! What will we do ?
How shall we get rid of him ?
Nun 2 : Hmm, I know, show him your cross.
Nun 1 : ( shouts ) GET OFF THE GOD
DAMNED CAR !!!!!
Hymns for Everyday Life
The Dentist's Hymn - "Crown Him with Many Crowns"
The TV Weatherman's Hymn -
"There Shall be Showers of Blessing"
The Contractor's Hymn -
"The Church's one Foundation"
The Tailor's Hymn -
"Holy, Holy, Holy"
The Golfer's Hymn -
"There is a Green Hill Far Away"
The Politician's Hymn -
"Standing on the Promises"
The Optometrist's Hymn -
"Open Mine Eyes that I Might See"
The IRS Hymn -
"All to Thee"
The Gossiper's Hymn -
"Pass it On"
The Electrician's Hymn -
"Send the Light"
The Shopper's Hymn -
"Sweet by and by"
If you MUST speed on the highway -- sing these hymns loudly:
- at 45 mph....
"God Will Take Care of Me"
- at 55 mph....
"Guide me, O Great Jehovah"
- at 65 mph....
"Nearer My God to Thee"
- at 75 mph...
"Nearer Still Nearer"
- at 85 mph...
"This World is not my Home"
- at 95 mph....
"Lord, I'm Coming Home"
- at 100 mph....
"Precious Memories"
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